SECRETS TO STARTING AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION
- HEATHER BROWNE
- 3 days ago
- 5 min read
Let’s start with some fun!
Let’s take a quiz!
Which of these questions do you think is the most important one to ask prior to starting a conversation?
Why are you having this conversation?
Will this conversation bless or benefit the other person?
Are you certain you are open to the other person’s
perspective?
Which did you choose?
Number one?
Number two?
Or number three?
You got it right! For two reasons! Congratulations!
Number one, each of these questions is important.
And number two, well, we’ll get to that one in a minute.
So, let’s explore these.
NUMBER ONE: WHY?
What are you asking, and why are you asking this question?
I know this sounds really simple and basic, but oftentimes, we don’t think about these questions before we actually start talking.
If you want to have a particular outcome from a conversation, you want to think about that outcome before you step in. Knowing what you are striving for will change your delivery.It’s also going to change your approach, your verbiage, and your entire intention.
And you want to let the person you’re speaking with know what it is you are asking and why you’re asking it.That way, you’ve got their agreement and their understanding before you even start the conversation.
Wow! Isn’t that huge?
This will help your conversations go so much more smoothly and respectfully.
NUMBER TWO: WILL THIS BE A BENEFIT?
Are you sure this is going to benefit the individual or the relationship?
Dang! This is going to stop a lot of conversations dead in their tracks, and hallelujah.
How many conversations do you have that serve no helpful purpose?
Guess what?
If you are willing, that can end right now!
No more barging in on someone with a question or something you have overheard, no more attacking, and no more assumptions.
From here on out, if you are going to have a conversation, I want you to remember that this person is important to you.
THE RELATIONSHIP IS IMPORTANT TO YOU!
The relationship is more important than the conversation. So, make certain you approach the person and the conversation in this way, and if you’ve overheard something, let them know.
Say,
“Hey, I overheard something, but I didn’t want to assume
that it was the truth. Could I ask you about it first?”
Or, “I had a thought about something, but you are important to me, so I want to ask you about it before I decide.Our relationship is really important to me. What do you think?”
This will change your conversations and bless your relationships because the person will feel important to you and know that their thoughts and feelings are as well.
NUMBER THREE:
ARE YOU REALLY OPEN TO HOWEVER THEY RESPOND?
That’s a tough one. You are the one asking the question, and you are the one stepping into the conversation, so you better be sure that you are ready for however they choose to respond.
If you’re not, what you are doing is really more of an attack or a judgment or a lecture. And none of us like any of these.
So, if you’re not open and ready, don’t start the conversation. It’s not the right time. This is especially true if you need them to hear your view or your opinion first.
If you’re not open and ready, don’t start the conversation.
Or if you feel you need them to apologize first. Note, it is a huge red flag if you are expecting them to care more about you than you do for them. Let that settle in.
And take a deep breath and give it some more time.
You need to be sure you are ready and available for their feelings and opinions too.
When you are willing to hear their side first, you are ready. Wait until your compassion returns to speak further. I will cover how to create a healthy boundary and why it is important that it be kept respectfully soon.
I will cover how to create a healthy boundary and why it is important that it be kept respectfully soon.
As much as possible, which is completely possible if you choose to be wise and careful, you can discuss boundaries with respect.
CONVERSATIONS THAT START WITH COMPASSION CREATE CONNECTION.
WHY?
And what was the second reason that your answer was correct?
Because that’s how you answered, so it’s important to you.
That means it’s either not currently happening in your relationships and conversations or it’s something you want to happen more often.
Share this truth so you can cultivate more of this in your conversations and in your relationship.
These are important techniques! I am excited to hear how you
allow them to change your relationships. You’re going to see a
big shift, and you’re going to see a difference in the way people
treat you. And I think you’re going to find that, from here on out,
you have much more open and freer conversations as well.
At moments, you will catch yourself and ask,
“Why are we having this conversation?”
It’s a great question, and it needs a great answer.
Okay, my loves, there is one more critical question to ask that can completely dictate how this conversation will occur. Do you know what it is?
NUMBER FOUR: TIME
When is the best time to have a conversation? We normally don’t think about that. We just call it out or barge in and say,
“Hey, you need to tell me about…”
and start the conversation without being certain the other person is available.
We just call it out or barge in .....start the conversation without being certain the other person is available.
I’ve done this a lot, but I remember one time in particular: I was in the kitchen, and I was calling out to my husband. He wasn’t responding, and I was getting kind of angry. And as I marched down the hall, I thought, “Oh, what if he’s on the phone with his boss? What if he is in the middle of a project?”
So, I tiptoed down the hallway and peeked quietly around the corner. Now, he wasn’t. He was watching TV on his computer, but he could have been doing something where he needed to not be interrupted. I wasn’t being respectful.
If someone comes to your house, what do they do? They knocks on the door. And if we don’t open, we don’t open, and the conversation doesn’t start. They don’t scream and yell or knock the door down. They simply walk away and wait for a welcomed time.
Why is this such a good example? Because if I just pushed myself in, you might be hungry, you might not have the mind space, you might not have the time, or you might just be in a really bad mood.
And since this is an important conversation, I’m going to want it to go well. If I wait for you to say,
“How about in an hour or fifteen minutes? How about tomorrow?”
Then you will come to me when you are ready, and you will say,
“What was it you wanted to talk about? I’m ready now.”
Energetically, that’s a huge difference. There’s an invitation. And now there’s an engagement. You are already stepping into the
conversation with me, which is exactly what I want.
And when this happens, say in response,
“Oh my goodness. Thank you. Thank you for waiting for it to be a really good time for you. I really respect that.
And this is a conversation I really want to be helpful. Thank you for respecting me too.”
And that is the very best time to have that conversation.
Meet the expert:
Dr. Heather Browne is a relationship expert, psychotherapist, and best-selling author helping thousands transform how they connect and communicate. Her award-winning book, Speaking with the Heart, and her TEDx and keynote talks center on the question, “How can we care as we share?” Featured on ABC-7, CBS, KCAL, and KDOC’s Daybreak OC, her work appears in Inc., Toronto Sun, Psychology Today, and more. She also shares insights through Links for Shrinks, Marriage Friendly Therapists, and her active TikTok channel.
Dive Deeper Into Her Wealth of Knowledge:
Follow:
