The Embodied Leader: Move into a New Paradigm of Leadership

More than two thousand years ago, Sun Tzu wrote in The Art of War that all warfare is about deception. For us to appear weak when we are strong, and strong when we are weak. Although the strategies of overcoming the perceived opposition continue to this day, this book was a treatise about how true power is to understand yourself and your opponent, with the ultimate goal to win without fighting.

There’s a pendulum swing we’ve experienced for centuries. One side of a battle gains what is seen as a superior position. The other side fights in defense; the loss of the battle, as well the fight to regain the perceived position of leadership. The “winner” fights to maintain their position of power.

The battle of the sexes. Masculine vs. Feminine. Religion. Politics. These battles are so engrained within us, who would we be without something to fight?

What if the battle to win is to no longer be steeped in us vs. them? To no longer look for an enemy in which to focus our time and energy. Where instead, we step into a new way of leading, through radical responsibility, healthy boundaries, and the integration of the best of our masculine and feminine aspects.

Rules vs. Boundaries

In the traditional sense, strong boundaries are thought to be a masculine trait. Rules are set, fences built, moats dug, many times in the attempt to create a sense of safety or keep danger at bay via separation.

Moats are dug to make it harder to storm the castle. Fences are built to signify a space or domain. Rules, such as don’t touch the stove, don’t hit your sibling, or don’t talk to “them”, are created in the attempt to keep either you or a loved one safe.

But from an empowerment perspective, separation and rules don’t always equate to healthy boundaries.

True healthy boundaries mean you have a strong personal space. Unfortunately, few of us were raised in an environment that supported us to have healthy boundaries. We grew up with rules that were made in an attempt to control something.

True healthy boundaries mean you have a strong personal space.

Listen to your elders.

You can have a say when…

Children should be seen and not heard.

Generation over generation has been taught to swallow their emotions, to not speak up, and to not express who they are. When we as individuals weren’t taught how to process or express what we were feeling, those feelings become buried within and ultimately express themselves through our thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions.

The world is a petri dish of our unhealed wounds.

Consider the following behaviors.

• Demanding something without consideration for the other. We can be so married to our own opinion there’s no room or consideration for anything else. Our reaction so swift, that we don’t consider the impact to the other person, nor do we care.

• Saying yes when your insides scream no. This especially applies to women and those who were raised to people please. We can only be OK when everyone around us is OK. You want to say no, but what will the parent / friend / boss think if you do? You might miss being allowed to doing something fun, won’t get the invitation, or won’t get the promotion.

• Projecting uncomfortable feelings and making the other person the enemy. We see something in someone that makes us feel uncomfortable. Because they aren’t like us, we make it about them. They’re too nice / pretty / stylish / happy / energetic / independent. These judgments are so engrained many don’t even realize they’re doing it.

• Passive-aggressive behavior or bullying. Punishment via silence by withholding communication. Or the swing of the pendulum to try to bully another into silence, to dim their light. Both are an attempt to silence what we don’t want to hear or see, or because we feel left out.

Our reaction to a person or situation is sometimes driven by deeply buried wounds hidden in our subconscious. Each of the behaviors above is a reaction, in the attempt to control and wrap a bow around our own uncomfortable feelings.

The uncomfortable truth is, we’ve all exhibited one or more of these traits at one time or another. Our subconscious becomes triggered by what we see reflected to us, something deep down we know we’re not connected with. Our discomfort causes us to react.

Every thought, feeling, action and reaction is ultimately connected to one of two energies: fear or love. Fear and reaction are driven by our wounds. Love and action are driven from the wisdom of our scars.

 Love and action are driven from the wisdom of our scars.

Unlike what we see in the world, leadership is not about domination, nor winning at all costs.

In my 27 years on Wall Street, I saw many people think they had the divine right to mistreat others without fear of repercussion. I repeatedly saw the power dynamics of toxic behavior. 

• Bosses demanded unreasonable work schedules in order to meet a deadline or promise made to more senior leadership.

• People postponed vacations, put time with family on the backburner, or put their physical and mental health at risk for fear of backsliding in their career.

• A team member who asked questions as to why something was being done, or who raised valid issues or causes for a delay in a project was made out to be the bad person or the reason for the shift.

• Managers who picked a fight in a meeting, or who didn’t reply to a request in a timely manner, in order to appear superior.

All of these were part of my experience in the corporate space. 

Just because someone is in a position of power doesn’t mean they’re immune from exhibiting toxic behaviors or boundaries. We see this today across multiple spectrums.

I’ve also had the privilege to work with leaders who championed honest communication and cooperation, but they were a rare breed.

We’ve learned how to make it in a masculine dominated world.

The parallels we live.

There were many parallels between my formative years and my corporate experience.

I was taught to believe in the fairy tale that a knight in shining armor was going to rescue me, and to look to others to give me what I believed I didn’t have. I was so open that I allowed people to take advantage of my good nature. Healthy boundaries and personal space weren’t even a concept in my formative years, and nothing felt sacred. We lived by the rules of the house.

Trauma taught me to be a people pleaser, because people pleasing was how I received attention. Trauma also taught me to not believe in myself, which resulted in years of over-achieving, driven from the deeper need to prove myself worthy.

The need to feel accepted followed me into my career on Wall Street. I found belonging by going above and beyond the call of duty, and I had a reputation for saving failing projects. I had many managers willing to take advantage of my willingness and my drive to succeed.

There’s a pendulum swing we experience between giving away our power and the strength of our boundaries.

When our boundaries aren’t strong, we get pulled into (the drama of) someone else’s story. Their words and actions cause division and become twisted within us. It’s the energy of “you’re either with us or against us.” It causes us to react from our own deep-seated fears. We look for something to fix, or we become defensive.

When we’re pulled into someone else’s fight, we lose the connection with ourself and with our higher guidance. Our energy becomes their power.

As a collective, we continue to play into the toxic aspects of the masculine via low self-esteem, unhealthy competition, and wishy-washy boundaries. We play into the toxic aspects of the feminine via indecisiveness and playing the role of wounded victim.

When we don’t feel safe, or when a situation strikes something within us, many times we create a hard shell of protection. Or we avoid speaking up because we fear the other person will walk away or torment us for speaking a truth they didn’t want to hear.

These dynamics deepen the wound of not feeling like we can stand in our authentic power.

We either create boundaries that don’t truly support us, or we don’t set them at all.

Ultimately, we avoid boundaries because of our fear of abandonment. By not setting healthy boundaries, we abandon ourselves.

We’ll fight an external battle because it’s easier than focusing on the battle within. A battle few of us were taught how to move through in a healthy way. It’s easier to fight and focus on the injustice we see.

When in reality, if we looked deeper, we’d see that the battles we fight outside of ourselves are often driven by our subconscious and the injustices we’ve experienced. No matter which side of the battle you’ve been on, it’s exhausting. 

It wasn’t until I looked in the mirror and made the conscious choice to heal that I was able to act and lead from the wisdom of my scars.

Embodied leadership isn’t about being superior to anyone. 

We’re being called to end the old paradigm of us vs. them, and the toxic ways we’ve been taught to create boundaries.

An embodied leader exemplifies emotional intelligence.

They:

• Looks in the mirror when they’re uncomfortable. When we take the time to look at why someone or something triggers us, we give ourself the space to step out of reaction mode. Reaction is from the ego, based on old stories and what it knows. Our ego wants to keep us safe. But reacting more often than not causes more harm than good.

• Stops playing the savior and stops waiting to be saved. Uncomfortable situations happen to us all. When we expect that someone or something will bail us out, we give away our power. There’s an energetic exchange that lives long afterwards. The same applies when we jump in to try to save someone from hardship. Yes, we don’t want to see people suffer. The key is to understand why you’re doing what you’re doing.

• Continuously course corrects. It’s OK to admit that a decision you thought was good at the time no longer supports you. An embodied leader looks at the broader interconnections and ramifications, apologizes to themselves and others when necessary, and takes the wisdom learned into their forward path.

• Says no to toxic behavior through their words and actions. Our actions speak louder than our words. When we express that certain actions won’t be tolerated, yet remain silent by turning a blind eye, we step out of our own integrity and ultimately lose the respect of others. As a leader, in business and in life, it may require a private conversation, or ultimately moving someone out of a leadership position, or out of our life.

• Takes radical responsibility for all aspects of their life. Whether we stay or go, act or react, we are the common denominator. When we’re triggered, we look at the why. We choose to heal it, and then integrate the wisdom so there’s no further separation. Radical responsibility takes into account all of the aspects of what it means to be an embodied leader.

If there’s a component of your life that you’re not happy with, or there’s something you want to change, what one small action will you take to begin to make a shift? Sometimes the shift begins with mapping out a plan of action and then acting upon it. The universe will conspire to help you succeed, but you need to show that you own your plan to make the change.

Years ago, I had the privilege to attend a talk by Daymond John. He reminded us that after the age of 15, we make the majority of our decisions for our life.

The world isn’t personal

Our empowerment is based on our willingness to look at what is really, truly holding us back. The people around us are the catalysts for us to see what wants to be seen. We’re here to move beyond our unhealed stories and internalized energies in order to step into the next level of our embodiment and our true power.

When you remember that the world isn’t personal, and instead know that many react out of their own internalized wounds, it allows you to disconnect from the push to control a situation and from reacting, into a state of curiosity.

Curiosity and I don’t know open the door to embodied answers. They open you to the magic of co-creation, of possibility.

You emanate from within. Your boundaries are created through the essence and energy of who you are. Your world expands as your tolerations fall away.

Not only do you experience profound shifts in how you lead your life, the shifts within you ripples out into the world around you.

We all have a beautiful alchemy within us

To stand in our true greatness as embodied leaders, we must integrate the masculine with our feminine magic.

Our left side is considered our feminine feeling side. Our right side, our strong masculine side. We have our logical left brain, and our creative right brain. At the center is our heart.

It is from our heart that we’re most powerful. When we lead, speak and live from our heart space, rather than our ego, we get to play with the universe in our true nature.

Being an embodied leader is where we become our own knight and allow the diamond within us to shine. Where we love just as fiercely as we say no, and we use discernment like a sharp sword. We can all rise when we stop giving our power to someone else’s story.

We are being called to reclaim our true selves. To lead in a new way as we emanate from the greatness of who we truly are, unchained from the chaos, stories and rules from our formative years. 

When we lead from the wisdom of our beautiful scars, we can stand in a powerful new paradigm of leadership.

Meet the expert:

Stephanie B. McAuliffe :  personal transformation coach

Stephanie McAuliffe is a personal transformation coach and multi-dimensional energy healer. She brings her 27 years of experience on Wall Street to her 1:1 work with leaders, for them to embody their true greatness through healing their trauma and the effects of having grown up around functional alcoholism. She’s the author of two international best-selling books, The Impact of Silence: Reclaim the Sovereignty of Your Soul, and The Message in the Bottle: Finding Hope and Peace Amidst the Chaos of Living with an Alcoholic.

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