.png)
The Key to Connecting with your Daughter, Start with the Girl you used to be
- Tina Mayhew
- Aug 13
- 5 min read
Start with giving the little girl you used to be what she still needs. Her unmet needs are reflecting in your life today and they are affecting your relationship. When you connect with your younger self, you will feel shifts inside of you. You feel more whole and complete, less like fragmented pieces. This type of connection helps build your capacity for understanding, acceptance, appreciation, forgiveness, caring and love and allows you to connect with your daughter
effortlessly.
It was the morning of June 9th. It had been hours, and I noticed that I was not making progress on a project that I wanted to complete. I checked in. Oh, a part of me feels scared. A part of me feels scared to complete the project or even work on it much.
Where did this idea come from that I would feel scared to complete something?
Tears immediately welled in my eyes. Just two weeks ago on Memorial Day, I became aware that my mom laughs in situations that are emotionally difficult for her. When those difficult things were also related to me, I began to believe that she was laughing at me. I made her laugh mean many negative things about me and held onto them for 50 years. Now, I find out that laughing is a trauma response for her and it had nothing to do with me.
I knew that I could not just make 50 years of believing my identity be gone by saying oh, it was not meant for you. I knew I would want to have a conversation with my younger self and begin to give her this new information and see what she needed. Noticing that part of me felt scared and the inability to complete work today, it was the perfect time.
I immediately recalled this memory. After I had a cesarean section to give birth to my daughter, I was laying on a gurney in an area by myself waiting to be moved to a room. I was alone. I felt scared, uncertain, and tired. Chris was visiting our baby girl in the newborn room. My mom walked up to me and said, ‘you look scared as a bird,’ laughed and then walked away to find her granddaughter. She has repeated this story at family gatherings while laughing.
I heard a voice in my head ‘My mom laughed at me. It means:
She doesn’t care about me.
I am alone.
I am dumb.
Nobody wants me.
I can’t feel scared because she will laugh at me.
My mom likes to make fun of me.’
Dearest Darling Tina,
Thank you for telling me that you feel scared to complete this project. Thank You for sharing with me what you have been carrying around with you.
I am so sorry. What did you do when you felt scared and you could not show it to your mom?
I held it in.
Oh, baby, I see you.
May I hug you?
Yes
Will you tell me when you feel scared now?
I am here with you. You are safe.
Do you know what? Mom told me the other day that she laughs because she is scared, not because she thinks anything is funny.
Tina, she was not really laughing at you.
She wants you to be happy and complete what you want. Your mom loves you. She made some big mistakes.
You are allowed to feel whatever you want, whenever you want.
And you are so loved.
How does it feel to hear this, suddenly?
I don’t know. What am I supposed to do?
I understand. It’s a lot of information.
You do not have to do anything right away. And when you feel scared in the future, you could say it. Allow it. I am listening.
I will be listening so you can feel safe to speak, to express yourself. And you can do what you want because nobody is going to laugh at you.
You can be completely you, the absolute special, unique little girl (teenager, adult, woman) that you are without any fear.
I will reassure you of your safety. I will comfort you. I will encourage you to be you.
I love you.
When she needed me, I listened.
As you uphold the commitments made to your younger self, you receive them in the present day as well. It is a true gift.
Holding this space for a conversation to acknowledge the girl you used to be is exactly the process and practice that will allow you to hold this same type of space naturally for your daughter and you will connect exactly as you desire.
How do you know what the girl you used to be still needs?
1. Do you feel compassion towards your little girl? If yes, proceed. If not, speak with her on another day.
2. Trust yourself to choose a situation that is obviously presenting itself to you like an
obstacle, circumstance, pattern, or a new awareness.
3. Note on paper the feeling that is arising.
4. Start with a Thank You or I see you. Listen to her words, a thought.
5. Write as you speak. Record what you hear or see in images. Note all the conversation
that takes place.
6. See the little girl who lived this experience, who made up this thought based on what shesaw. Love her! Be with her!
7. Get curious. Go slow. Pause as you offer compassion and thanks. Time has not passed
for her, so you are not in a rush. My conversation was not the first, I may not have
recorded as much curiosity.
8. Consider what she wanted to happen in this scenario. What does she need?
9. Make a commitment to her based on this need.
10. Keep your commitment and come back often to acknowledge her.
By releasing the weight of what you have been unknowingly carrying just a little bit, you gain the space for the change you desire today.
I encourage you to dedicate time to be with the girl you used to be and change your relationship with yourself and your daughter.
With Love, Tina
Meet the expert:
Tina Mayhew, a Mother Daughter Connection Coach, took her relationship with her daughter into her own hands to find answers to her feelings of unworthiness and disconnection. Her work turned into a mission to help as many Moms as possible connect with their daughters, at love. Her superpower is teaching Moms to meet their own need to be loved.
Dive deeper into her wealth of knowledge:
Follow:
