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In the grand theater of life, people pleasers are the dependable supporting actors, the ones who always say yes, always nod, and always go home exhausted. If you’ve ever agreed to something while silently dreading it or found yourself twisting into a human pretzel to avoid disappointing someone, congratulations you’re a card-carrying member of the People Pleasers’ Club. But here’s the good news: you can hand in your resignation anytime.
As a psychologist, I’ve seen people-pleasing sneak into relationships, workplaces, and even moments of self-care. And as a recovering people pleaser myself, I know it’s not just about learning to say “no.” It’s about rediscovering your worth, setting boundaries, and giving yourself permission to live authentically.
Here are five actionable steps that helped me and can help you start saying “yes” to yourself.
1. Learn to Say “No” Without Feeling Like a Villain
Saying “no” felt like committing a crime in my people-pleasing days. But here’s the secret: every forced “yes” is a silent “no” to something that matters to you.
Start small. Instead of diving headfirst into outright refusals, try something softer. When someone asks you to take on a task you don’t want, say, “I’d love to help, but I’m stretched too thin right now.” It’s polite, clear, and guilt-free.
And if you need a pop culture role model, avoid Ross from Friends: he couldn’t say no to his ex-wife, sister, or even a monkey. Channel your inner Monica: firm, fair, and unafraid to use boundaries.
2. Spot Your People-Pleasing Triggers
People-pleasing doesn’t appear out of thin air. It usually grows from a fear of conflict, rejection, or the need to be liked. The first step in breaking free is identifying these triggers.
For instance, do you overcompensate in relationships, hoping people will appreciate you? Do you avoid disagreements at all costs? (Spoiler: healthy arguments don’t ruin relationships; they strengthen them. Just look at any feel-good family drama where everyone yells, hugs, and learns something by the credits.)
Once you spot these triggers, challenge them. Remind yourself that it’s okay to have boundaries, and no one worth keeping in your life will leave just because you voiced a need.
3. Build Boundaries That Work for You
Think of your life as a beautifully curated garden. Without boundaries, people will stomp all over it like it’s an empty parking lot. Setting limits isn’t selfish; it’s self-preservation.
I remember a client who was terrified of saying no to their boss, even when their workload was overflowing. We worked on “gentle boundary-setting”, phrases like, “I’m at capacity right now, but I’d be happy to revisit this later.” It’s like a velvet rope: firm, but still approachable.
Boundaries protect your time, energy, and sanity. And trust me, they’re worth the initial discomfort.
4. Redefine What Makes You Valuable
Here’s the plot twist: your worth isn’t tied to how much you do for others. As people pleasers, we often base our self-esteem on external validation. It’s like building a house on quicksand one shaky compliment, and everything collapses.
Instead, practice valuing yourself for who you are. You’re more than your ability to accommodate others. Start noticing the intrinsic qualities that make you wonderful your kindness, creativity, or humor.
One of my favorite reminders comes from The Good Place. Eleanor spent half her life trying to win approval through good deeds but only found true growth when she started doing things for the right reasons. Take a page from her book: stop tying your self-worth to applause.
5. Celebrate the Small Wins
Recovering from people-pleasing isn’t an overnight transformation; it’s a journey. Celebrate every step forward, no matter how small.
The first time you say no without guilt? Victory. The first time you hold a boundary, even when it’s uncomfortable? High five. The first time you prioritize your needs without apologizing? Break out the confetti.
Perfection isn’t the goal, progress is. Even IKEA furniture doesn’t come together perfectly on the first try (or the second, let’s be honest). So, give yourself grace as you navigate this process.
Takeaway
Breaking free from people-pleasing isn’t just about learning to say no. It’s about saying yes to your time, energy, and well-being. It’s about choosing authenticity over approval.
The next time you feel the pull to please, pause and ask yourself: “Am I doing this for me, or because I’m afraid not to?” Trust me, the answer will set you free.
So, here’s to putting yourself back in the starring role of your own life. And if your inner critic starts grumbling? Give it a vacation. You deserve the peace and quiet.
Meet the expert:
Shikha Kaushik is a psychologist and founder of Heal and Revive. With a passion for mental health and women empowerment, she has helped individuals worldwide cultivate a balanced and self-loving mindset. Shikha combines psychology, mindfulness, and personal empowerment to inspire lasting, positive change.
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