The Invisible Bargains™ Beneath Our Best Intentions
- JOAN STENZLER
- Aug 22
- 4 min read
Life is complicated and so are women. We’re smart, beautiful and COMPLEX!
There are times when one thing is true about us—and at others, the equal and opposite is also true.
Which can become quite confusing...
In my last article, I talked about women’s common tendency to say YES when we actually want to say NO—and why learning to say NO and mean it matters.
This conversation takes that one step further.
Saying NO helps us set healthy boundaries, preserve enough energy for ourselves, and teach others how we want to be treated.
But it’s often easier said than done. Right?
Why is saying NO so hard for so many of us, even when we desperately want to hold the line?
One reason is actually quite beautiful.
Women often do things for the people they love because generosity is one of the ways we express our love, support and appreciation.
Nothing wrong with that.
Except sometimes our generosity may be carrying an unspoken expectation we don’t even realize is there...
THE INVISIBLE BARGAINS™
(Cue the three-note suspenseful musical phrase! 🎶)
An Invisible Bargain™ is an agreement you’ve quietly made in your own mind about what someone else will—or should—do in return for something you do for them.
It might sound like:
“I’ll help you, and then you’ll gladly help me because I’m important to you.”
Which sounds perfectly lovely.
Until the fantasy bubble bursts.
Then it becomes:
“If I do all of this for you, you damn well better get your ass off the couch and start doing the things I expect you to do. NOW!”
And this is where things get interesting.
Because first, we may expect our partner to become a magician and READ OUR MIND—to somehow figure out exactly what we’re thinking and, with a wave of their magic wand, set everything right in our world.
And even when we have told them what we need, another Invisible Bargain™ may quietly slip in:
“Since you already know what I need, and what I’m asking is perfectly reasonable, you should want to do it.”
But here’s where it gets really sticky...
Our heroine doesn't merely prefer that XYZ happen.
Somewhere along the way, without consciously deciding to, she begins campaigning—in her own head—for her wish to be granted...
SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE WANTS IT TO BE.
Kind of like having your Fairy Godmother drop by.
You casually mention a wish or two.
She says, “Of course, dear.”
Poof!
Done.
No fuss. No muss.
Unfortunately, most spouses do not come equipped with magic wands.
And when the stars fail to align into the emotional constellation our heroine has been counting on, things begin to break down.
Confusion shows up and whacks her upside the head.
She thinks:
But I've done so much for you.
I've told you what I need.
You know how exhausted I am.
Why aren't you doing this for me?
So she tries harder.
She gives more.
Hints louder.
Explains again.
And eventually, after numerous unsuccessful attempts to get her partner to comply, she becomes exhausted, resentful and perhaps even looking for a way to get even...
All while continuing to be seen as the Light that helps everyone else get through the darkness.
(Cue the angel music 🎶)
And therein lies the problem.
And here’s what makes these bargains so tricky: they may be invisible to both people. You may not even realize you’ve made one until the other person fails to hold up their end of an agreement they never knew existed.
Because wanting something, needing something—even mentioning something—doesn't automatically create an agreement.
You may not even realize you’ve made one until the other person fails to hold up their end of an agreement they never knew existed.
And sometimes the first clue that an Invisible Bargain™ was there at all is the resentment we feel when the other person doesn’t respond the way we expected.
That doesn't mean you should stop helping the people you love.
It doesn't mean your needs are unreasonable.
And it certainly doesn't mean you should settle for relationships in which your needs don't matter.
It means something much more empowering:
You get to stop bargaining silently and start communicating consciously.
Instead of: “After everything I've done, you should know what I need.”
Try:
“Here's what I need. Are you willing to help me?”
Instead of overgiving and hoping someone eventually notices:
Give because you genuinely choose to give.
Ask because you have a right to ask.
Say NO when NO is what you mean.
And when something matters deeply to you, bring it out of the invisible world of expectations and into an honest conversation where both people actually get a say.
Because the healthiest relationships aren't built on mind-reading, Fairy Godmothers or secret contracts.
They're built on two people learning how to tell one another the truth about what they need—and having the courage to hear the answer.
So before you make your next generous gesture, you might want to ask yourself one surprisingly revealing question:
Am I giving this freely... or am I making motivated by an INVISIBLE BARGAIN™ the other person doesn't even know exists?
Want to read my last article in Her Nation Magazine? Click Here
If you’re tired of overgiving, overextending yourself, and hoping the people you love will somehow know what you need, it may be time to try something different.
Download my FREE GUIDE, An Exhausted Woman’s Guide to Taking Back Her Time, Learning to Say No and Making Herself a Top Priority, and discover 5 insights to help you ask for help more clearly, say no without guilt, set healthier boundaries, and start saying YES to you today! Link
Meet the expert:
Joan Stenzler is a communication design strategist, women’s empowerment coach, and relationship breakthrough expert dedicated to helping ambitious women and couples strengthen their relationships through effective communication. Drawing on her expertise in uncovering what lies beneath the surface of conversations, she empowers clients to navigate difficult discussions with confidence, resolve misunderstandings, heal emotional wounds, and rebuild the deep, loving connections they once thought were lost.
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