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Few of us want to talk about death.
Few experience it more than once, and in the end, it happens to us all. Death is the
ultimate journey of surrender, yet just like life, many of us fight it.
One of the things I experienced while caring for my father in his final 8 months – he
made decisions of what he did and didn’t want. He affirmed the non-negotiables. We
had many conversations as he shared how he wanted to move through the transition
to his final days.
Decisions that Dr. Gawande talks about in his book, Being Mortal: Medicine and
What Matters in the End.
Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End
It’s one of the most powerful and influential books I’ve consumed in the past few
years. It’s ultimately guides us why it’s so important to set healthy boundaries for a
good end of life.
I listened to this book as my father’s wife began her journey through bladder cancer
nearly 2 years ago. It’s a book I’d resisted, yet too many people had recommended it.
Obviously, I was meant to listen to it for a reason.
In it are five key questions we all need to be able to answer. How far are we willing
to go with our medical care in order to “save” us?
My father saw his wife’s torment as she traversed bladder cancer. He saw doctors
perform medical treatments that didn’t improve her life. 12 rounds of chemo and then
a 7-hour operation. 8 months of pain and suffering that might have been different.
What are we really saying yes to, to extend our time on this planet, and will it be in a
good way?
A fascinating statistic to ponder, that I learned through my own cancer journey, is that
90% of oncologists would NOT submit themselves to the same end of life care they
administer to their patients.
We can say yes to life, even when we know we’re near the end. This is why palliative and hospice care are so important. My father’s wife may have lived the same length of time, except her pain and her very existence would have been managed very differently.
He saw family want to keep her alive for their own sake, even when she said she was
done. He saw people make decisions for her because she hadn’t made them for
herself.
Our fear of death will have us go through super-human feats in order to stay
alive. But at what cost?
We need to be willing to create our own boundaries about what we do and don’t want
at the end of life. When we’re not willing to do this for ourselves, we thrust our loved
ones into making life and death decisions for us. We push our own responsibility onto
them.
How can we expect them to “get it right” when we haven’t expressed what “right” is?
Families that don’t have boundaries will struggle with this. A lack of boundaries
typically indicates an avoidance of challenging conversations. We can’t force someone
to have the conversations, but when they don’t happen, life and death decisions are
made in crisis mode.
Healthy boundaries support us in all phases of life
Very few good decisions are made when we’re in the middle of a crisis.
We are all mortal. The most kind and loving thing we can do for ourselves is to
make these choices and to let them be known. Where we get to live and die on
our own terms, not those made under the influence of medicine or family, which
don’t always have our best interest at heart.
As a loved one, don’t wait until someone is on their way out to have conversations or
to spend time with them.
When we know someone we love is terminal, we want to soak up as much of them as
we can. We know we’ll miss them. We want to pull them into our heart so we won’t
lose the connection.
But to impose your wants doesn’t necessarily equate to their needs. It may also be an
imposition on their caregiver who may be walking side by side as they care for their
loved one. Someone who may have to fight to grab quiet moments for their own self-
care.
Yes, life gets busy. But someone in the process of transitioning doesn’t have a lot of
time or energy for you.
It’s not personal.
How we create, set and express our boundaries while we’re living will set the
stage for them while we’re dying. Just because we didn’t grow up with them doesn’t
mean we can’t create them now. Just because family members still may not want to
create them doesn’t mean we can’t for ourselves. They may not like them, and that’s
their issue.
Making sure a family member is comfortable, as we define how we want to transition,
isn’t our responsibility.
Something else to ponder – if family doesn’t respect your boundaries while
you’re living, how will they respect them when you’re dying? An advanced
medical directive with someone who will respect and carry out your wishes is
important.
As my father transitioned, he was at home, with medication to keep him comfortable,
in his hospital bed, wrapped up in his fuzzy blanket. It was an honor to support him,
in the way he wanted, as he surrendered on what was ultimately his and Spirit’s
timeline. The love I feel for him will forever be in my heart.
Because life is ultimately about the boundaries we create and express, that support us
in what we truly need and want. In sickness and in health.
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Meet the expert:
As a personal transformation guide and energy healer, Stephanie’s passion is to help humanity heal trauma through boundaries, and to live a life free of the constructs that have held them back. Stephanie also speaks and leads workshops on our human condition and what it means to truly heal and break inter-generational cycles. She’s the author of two international best-selling books, The Impact of Silence: Self Mastery Practices for Women, and The Message in the Bottle: Finding Hope and Peace Amidst the Chaos of Living with an Alcoholic.
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