Will Women Ever be Enough?

Women are enough — listen, respect, and recognize their choices

It’s mid-January 2026 and women still struggle to be recognised, and to recognise their power. Even when they do, we, other women, don’t know how to listen and hear what they’re saying.

A young woman, 25, in Florida said to me, ‘Why is it that a woman is never enough? She is never enough on her own. She has to be married or in a relationship. She needs to have a child or be part of a union that has a man in it somewhere, even if he is absent’. I argued, ‘that isn’t true. Women are enough on their own, they can choose to have careers, or be with a man, be married, have children or not have children’.

 Women are enough on their own, they can choose to have careers, or be with a man, be married, have children or not have children.

I could not have been more wrong.

She said, ‘as independent and free-thinking as you are Ruby, you also carry those values’.

Our discussion went on for some time and then the penny dropped. “Oh my goodness, really Ruby!”, I said to myself.

When I speak, as much as I truly hold the opinion of women’s choices since I had those choices. I still have a tiny grey area that holds the old version of events, a woman being with a man, having a child with a man. I had not realised how much pain it can cause as when I speak casually, I don’t even know that I’m portraying aspects of this thought process.

When she challenged me, I felt the need to understand and make changes so that I don’t do this to other young girls and women as it can be soul destroying and that’s not an act I want to be a part of or associated with. In my home, my daughters are free to choose their husbands themselves but there are guidelines which I believe any responsible parent would give their sons and daughters.

Relationships are such a difficult area of life to navigate and we misunderstand so many of the messages we give one another, at least, that seems to be the experiences most of my English friends in the UK had growing up. Broken relationships, thinking someone liked them in that way, when they didn’t, feeling embarrassed, the list is endless.

As we spoke further this young woman, who I’ll call Jasmine, told me about how her friend, another young woman who had chosen her husband in the Western way and had dealt with continuous experiences of being made to feel less than. I asked what that meant and she said, “although her accomplishments and achievements were recognised by her family, they didn’t receive as much attention from the men on both sides of her family. She didn’t get the kudos a male in her family would have received”.

This aspect had bothered her friend in her younger days, late teenage years, early twenties.

I asked her to explain further and she expanded, “when my friend got married, she knew that everyone’s attitude toward her would change simply because there would be a man standing next to her. He would receive all sorts of acceptance and respect which would change how she was viewed”. I am quite well versed in these scenarios and can confirm how true they are but it really hit home as she had implicated me in my worldview of this topic.

She added, “her friend had already explained to her husband what she expected to happen and as soon as she married, her husband was accepted in her family, and he was then the person that, in a way, made her more visible as if she didn’t have a mind and life of her own before marriage. My friend is a very high achieving young woman, she was commanding a six-figure salary in New York when she was 25. Her partner was not as successful or as high-achieving but her status in her family seemed to have been enhanced because of her marriage”.

I stopped to reflect and asked if there were other ways that her friend may have been more respected and she said, “NO”. This had been the story for her friend but it had left an emptiness. Even though both girls were fully aware of it, they were furious that this happens and they have to deal with it, as if they become complete only after having a relationship which results in a male accompanying them. Often the men are raised in status because of the women they are marrying as these girls are not only high achievers, they have a lifestyle and are seasoned travellers too.

I asked her to clarify how and why she had implicated me. She said, “sometimes you don’t understand that when you ask me about marriage or talk to me about possibly having children, it’s a trigger for me. My parents divorced when I was very young, I was five when they separated. For a long time, I never wanted to have children for sure, I would not have considered the possibility and I’m not sure even now. Maybe there will be a day that I choose to have a baby but I don’t see it as a given in any shape or form”.

I have to admit that I would have asked these types of questions as these are the topics most girls and other friends would open up to me about whether they were from the East or the West. Since I’m from South Asia, I would joke at work with men and women when this topic was raised that I could help arrange their marriage but they all knew I was joking. Most of my colleagues were White English men or women.

What startled me on reflection was that I pride myself on listening and I work diligently not to do what I have been asked to do by someone. Here I was facing a complex challenge. I asked Jasmine what she felt I or others could do to minimize her triggering. Her response, “just listen to what the person you are speaking to is saying. Don’t make light of it, don’t make jokes or assumptions. The wound doesn’t remain in the one place you trigger. For me, it brings up so many other problems, some connected to managing the fallout of my parents divorce, others challenging my right to exist in my space as I choose to”.

I asked about her friend and she told me her friend was too smart to let others govern her life but nonetheless she still hurts as she wasn’t recognised in the way she should have been. There was no fanfare when she got a six-figure job but had a male relative or cousin hit that figure, everyone would have said how amazing and great he was.

The lack of recognition leaves an emptiness that cannot be fulfilled and even though they knew how it manifest itself, they were not able to just hit delete. It leaves an aftertaste.

The lack of recognition leaves an emptiness that cannot be fulfilled and even though they knew how it manifest itself, they were not able to just hit delete.

She said, “it isn’t only happening in a specific culture. I have a White American girlfriend who has brothers who can almost do no wrong even when they are clearly doing wrong, i.e., cheating in a relationship, but my girlfriend is seen as being a problem. Her brother doesn’t have to answer for his inappropriate action other than to my girlfriend who is very outspoken because she has to be. No one is fighting her corner at home, at school or at work. What should she do?”

By this time, not only did I understand the issue but felt it needed a little exposure. When someone tells you not to do something or talk about something, don’t do it. The impact on their mental health can be substantial and can set them back in a way that we don’t realise.

The learning was, ask the question and listen to the person, take their cue. My learning was broader. Be careful, someone may be laughing or feeling the need to compromise because I had made light of a situation. I will be more cautious and will check in on people who aren’t maybe as comfortable as they present.

It’s very easy to fall into a situation that isn’t obviously offensive or disrespectful. It’s not as easy to listen, hear, observe and care. Have you experienced anything of this nature? If so, what was it, what did you do to rectify it and did you move forward. I looked back at the fact that women in the USA got the right to vote in 1920, it’s now 2020 and although many changes have taken place, we still have a long way to go.

She Died without ever having Lived

Do you know someone who never seemed to fit anywhere and every time you saw them, they never seemed to belong or move forward?

Have you ever wondered why or whether you may have been able to make a difference?

I want to share Sarah’s story. A little girl, who used to bounce off walls, her energy was noisy and lacked direction. She was like a tornado. If you happened to be in her way, you would feel her intensity, but she meant no harm and it was definitely without intent.

She didn’t do things that were consistent with anything. She said hi and disappeared only to do something that didn’t make sense or connect with anything else she had been doing.

She was nine years old when I first met her and nearly 5” tall, not entirely comfortable in her skin. Few of us are at that age. By the time she was eleven or twelve, she shot up and was around 5’ 8”. She had back pains from the sudden growth spurt, and I remember her being in constant pain of one sort or another. This sudden shooting up caused her a physical adjustment problem which was never addressed. She continued to feel uncomfortable in her skin.

She was never comfortable or calm. Her energy remained loud and uncontrolled. Her mother never seemed to offer guidance or love as if she thought she would fix herself as she grew older, as other girls did when they learned from school friends. She wasn’t able to study at school either. She never settled at the beginning and when she was in her teens, girls made fun of her calling her stupid and slow. She took longer to learn than most people as understanding concepts at school was near impossible. Girls laughing at her didn’t make it any easier for her.

Sarah grew up and married, later than usual, she was around 30. She moved far away from her family and had her first child, a daughter. Her daughter also bounced off walls. Was this hereditary? Was it the fact that she had no skills to impart to her daughter as she had not been given any herself? She hadn’t learned by being around others.

CANCER

When she became pregnant a second time she returned home to her mother as she needed some support but by this time, her health had become a serious concern and it was a matter of weeks before she was diagnosed with cancer. She spent much of her pregnancy in hospital. No sooner did she return home than she had to go back in as her symptoms intensified.

In and out of hospital while pregnant. No one was thinking of the pregnancy in any meaningful way other than Sarah being well enough to give birth when the time came.

She did give birth to another beautiful daughter but by this time with the constant trips to hospital, Sarah had given up on her own life.

Sarah was taking medicines and having operations too. It was clear she needed to give her daughters time but she was too ill and too weak to do so. Changing her babies diapers was hard work which she managed do, but often even this was done by other members of her family.

As time passed, her health deteriorated further as her pain increased. It was at this time that I felt she may not make it and for some reason, I had a thought that I shared with her. I asked if I could interview her and ask her some questions but I did it in a way that I wanted to record her thoughts so we could share this with her and her girls later and see how her thoughts had changed.

In my heart my intention was for her daughters to have some memories and ideas about their mother. Unfortunately her health would decline quickly and the two times I went with the intention of recording she was too unwell to speak with me. She allowed me in her room to sit with her but she was all but gone.

When the news of her death came, it was not surprising. Sarah had given up on herself long before her baby had been born. Something in her didn’t believe she was worthy, she was not worth fighting for.

She died without ever having lived.

She was a soul who came into a world where parents were trying to keep the house functioning, parents who cannot parent children. There were no other family members, aunts, uncles, grand-parents or others with whom to learn or share experiences with. Today, people don’t value having elders in their life, it isn’t fashionable.

Simple skills of being loved by being cuddles and having someone put their arm around you not only to make you feel safe, but to let you know you are the most important little person in the world. Although she had brothers and sisters, it was as if she was raised alone. Her older sister did everything she could to help her but no one can do anything if a child believes they are not worthy.

Her sister used to say to me, “Ruby, I can feed her and I can give her her medicine. God knows, if I could. I would do her exercises and all the things she needs to do for her. But I can’t. I can’t live for her”.

This is was the first time I fully recognised what life can be like in a home that is dysfunctional silently. All the players were in tact, mother, father, brothers, sisters but Sarah somehow did not belong. Her father loved her to bits but no one really parented her, she never got the one on one time that is so critical to establish that sense of self-belief and to foster the resilience you need to get through school, managing those girls who were horrible and figuring out what to do when you just don’t understand.

My aim had been for her daughters to be able to hear their mum’s voice so they could feel that she was not well and she was trying to get better. In the time she was in hospital her daughters had to be taken care of by her mother and her sister. They were being loved and there were other family and children around to make their transition easy but these two little girls were destined never to know their mother.

I pray that they live and they live their life as fully as they can.

Ruby Raja  —Domestic Violence Trainer

Meet the expert:

Ruby Raja authored Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - Journeys from Abuse to Freedom and designed Define Yourself! a program of empowerment for people experiencing abuse and trauma. She is a certified trauma facilitator/trainer with the BeyondTrauma Academy Network.

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