Role of Culture in Shaping Responses to Narcissism

"Even a single alternative thought can shift a woman's entire reality — questioning is where change begins."

I was invited to speak about narcissism with an online mental health group serving clients in England, India and Saudi Arabia and found it interesting observing how narcissism was being managed using cultural and religious beliefs. Without question religious beliefs play an immensely powerful role in managing responses in any sphere of life. As with all women’s issues, the onus was on women rather than holding the man accountable.

As with all women’s issues, the onus was on women rather than holding the man accountable.

Research in the UK has shown that religions often have similar behaviours and responses in the area of gender based violence so I listened eagerly to what was shared. The doctor who was leading the session was kind, knowledgeable and enabled women to understand narcissism in its various forms, recognising it as an illness. Their aims were to assist the women, there were nearly eighty women present online, to understand how narcissism presented itself and potentially how to figure out in a very simple way how you would live your life with such a person. 

I felt that there was a foregone conclusion that the women were likely to be with their partners forever. Whilst this may be the most likely outcome, I found it a little frightening to say the least but the fact that there was an online forum discussing these issues gave me hope.

When I completed my thesis on How Women Escape the Self-Imposed Controls of Marriage, I remember being shocked and extremely concerned that women all over the world had been taught to be there to serve their partners.  This session felt as though in a strange way, they were trying to move the women forward as they had begun discussing the issues openly.

I found the discussion useful and while I know that many women will never be able to leave their abusers, what worried me was the mental health and wellbeing of the woman but even more importantly, the mental health and wellbeing of their children. Living in environments that can never be changed requires something extraordinary and part of that is that the woman has to become extraordinary.

Living in environments that can never be changed requires something extraordinary and part of that is that the woman has to become extraordinary.

From what was being shared, the majority of the women were practising their religion seriously.  They also had to deal with their culture which my research in 2017 showed overrode religion on a daily basis but ultimately, religion always trumped culture when it came to serious life decisions. Marriage and divorce are two such decisions.

As the session continued I shared my experiences in the criminal justice system in England and Wales and experiences of women in the UK. When the Q&A session began, I found myself having to bridge gaps of culture and how narcissism needed to be managed within it. The women presenting were essentially encouraging women to recognise the behaviour and then be sure to know that while it was not right, to some extent, they should try to make themselves more knowledgeable in the aspects of their husbands unique behaviours.

Once again the onus was being placed on women. I decided that I needed to put a little stamp on this exercise and stated that while belief in God, obedience to religious leaders could be a good trait, dealing with narcissism was not the woman’s responsibility and that she needed to understand the impact on herself and her children. I told the women that not only did the woman get exposed to some serious, potentially life-threatening situations but, indirectly the children would also experience the impact of narcissism at home and it would affect their lives. Undoing this would not be an easy thing to do and could pose serious issues in their lives as they got older.

I found myself fielding the Q&A sessions which I did willingly, being sensitive to the needs of the women on the group and challenging very gently as I tried to open the doors for women to recognise that their God would not want them to be hurt or harmed and he would definitely not want them to go through this 24/7 especially with children in their arms who they were responsible for loving, rearing and guiding through life.

I encouraged women to find out which part of their religion said they were responsible for their husbands behaviour when it was so damaging to them. I asked them to look at what they believe in and what they truly wanted in their life in terms of their family. Had they considered what they wanted or was it all what their husbands and their families wanted? I couldn’t assert the question, was this something that they could live with for their entire life, although I did bring it into the Q&A session by inference rather than direction.

As some of the women raised issues about their children I did ask them to consider if their lives were going to be affected negatively and how would they manage this plus, what was their relationship with their husband. Were they with their husbands as a duty because if this was the case, there was the potential of managing narcissism discreetly as they aren’t completely invested in their relationship, they are managing their relationship as part of a contract and through their understanding that this was a duty to their Lord. What I was trying to do was what I had somehow managed to do when I wrote my thesis, and that is, getting them to begin researching what their Lord wants from them and finding out for themselves what is and isn’t acceptable.

The conclusion of my thesis was that once women knew that they were not doing anything wrong, that is, they were not doing something wrong in the eyes of their Lord, their clergy, their elders and their families, women made very different choices to what seemed to be the obvious plan for them.

once women knew that they were not doing anything wrong, that is, they were not doing something wrong in the eyes of their Lord, their clergy, their elders and their families, women made very different choices to what seemed to be the obvious plan for them.

I didn’t get the opportunity to speak in detail of how narcissism was showing up in relationships in the UK or USA but I was able to say that a narcissist is someone who has delusions of grandeur and the world revolves around them. As they shared the behaviours they were dealing with, we began discussing coercive control and how it is the mechanism through which narcissists operate. 

As I watched the role of culture impact how women were supposed to deal with such a serious issue, I realised how even providing an alternative thought process could affect change in women. Hearing a perspective that they had not heard before could help them begin questioning and learning about a topic that they clearly had direct experience of. What was obvious was that children and what happens to them in any process is often the trigger that makes women take action where previously they felt it was alright for them to suffer. 

Is it a TEST?

This is often described as a test from their Lord. They’ve never questioned, if it’s a test for me, then why is it so easy for my husband - shouldn’t he be feeling the effect of the test? Why are all the tests for me?

I do believe that as the discussions have now begun, we are at a stage of growth. My thesis confirmed that women will take action when they are given the information and when the time is right for them not when it’s right for practitioners or professionals.

After the session, quite a few women called me to speak about their issues privately sharing their predicaments and their fears. I’ve naturally guided them safely and sensitively to pursue a course of conduct in which they will not be harmed. I was not shy of confronting what was happening to them and discussing their circumstances.

Sadly, the end result is that some of the women are wanting to provide therapy for their children and cannot see that if they do not get treatment for themselves, getting treatment for their children alone will not help the child or the family unit.

What makes me happy is that by presenting information in a way that gives women a belief in their rights, women begin questioning and for now, that is just what they need. After me, they will hear another person add to their knowledge and so the seed will have been planted.

Ruby Raja  Domestic Violence Trainer

Meet the expert:

Ruby Raja is the Author of Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - Journeys from Abuse to Freedom. She is a Domestic Violence Trainer and a BeyondTrauma Facilitator and Trainer.  She worked for fifteen years as a Probation Officer in the UK and is currently delivering domestic violence and trauma services in England and USA, in person and online

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