She Died without ever having Lived

Do you know someone who never seemed to fit anywhere and every time you saw them, they never seemed to belong or move forward? 

Have you ever wondered why or whether you may have been able to make a difference?

I want to share Sarah’s story. A little girl, who used to bounce off walls, her energy was noisy and lacked direction. She was like a tornado. If you happened to be in her way, you would feel her intensity, but she meant no harm and it was definitely without intent.

She didn’t do things that were consistent with anything. She said hi and disappeared only to do something that didn’t make sense or connect with anything else she had been doing.

She was nine years old when I first met her and nearly 5” tall, not entirely comfortable in her skin. Few of us are at that age. By the time she was eleven or twelve, she shot up and was around 5’ 8”. She had back pains from the sudden growth spurt, and I remember her being in constant pain of one sort or another. This sudden shooting up caused her a physical adjustment problem which was never addressed. She continued to feel uncomfortable in her skin.

She was never comfortable or calm. Her energy remained loud and uncontrolled. Her mother never seemed to offer guidance or love as if she thought she would fix herself as she grew older, as other girls did when they learned from school friends.

She wasn’t able to study at school either. She never settled at the beginning and when she was in her teens, girls made fun of her calling her stupid and slow. She took longer to learn than most people as understanding concepts at school was near impossible. Girls laughing at her didn’t make it any easier for her.

Sarah grew up and married, later than usual, she was around 30. She moved far away from her family and had her first child, a daughter. Her daughter also bounced off walls. Was this hereditary? Was it the fact that she had no skills to impart to her daughter as she had not been given any herself? She hadn’t learned by being around others.

CANCER

When she became pregnant a second time she returned home to her mother as she needed some support but by this time, her health had become a serious concern and it was a matter of weeks before she was diagnosed with cancer. She spent much of her pregnancy in hospital. No sooner did she return home than she had to go back in as her symptoms intensified.

In and out of hospital while pregnant. No one was thinking of the pregnancy in any meaningful way other than Sarah being well enough to give birth when the time came.

She did give birth to another beautiful daughter but by this time with the constant trips to hospital, Sarah had given up on her own life. 

Sarah was taking medicines and having operations too. It was clear she needed to give her daughters time but she was too ill and too weak to do so. Changing her babies diapers was hard work which she managed do, but often even this was done by other members of her family.

As time passed, her health deteriorated further as her pain increased. It was at this time that I felt she may not make it and for some reason, I had a thought that I shared with her. I asked if I could interview her and ask her some questions but I did it in a way that I wanted to record her thoughts so we could share this with her and her girls later and see how her thoughts had changed. 

In my heart my intention was for her daughters to have some memories and ideas about their mother. Unfortunately her health would decline quickly and the two times I went with the intention of recording she was too unwell to speak with me. She allowed me in her room to sit with her but she was all but gone. 

When the news of her death came, it was not surprising. Sarah had given up on herself long before her baby had been born. Something in her didn’t believe she was worthy, she was not worth fighting for.

She died without ever having lived.

She was a soul who came into a world where parents were trying to keep the house functioning, parents who cannot parent children. There were no other family members, aunts, uncles, grand-parents or others with whom to learn or share experiences with. Today, people don’t value having elders in their life, it isn’t fashionable.

Simple skills of being loved by being cuddles and having someone put their arm around you not only to make you feel safe, but to let you know you are the most important little person in the world. Although she had brothers and sisters, it was as if she was raised alone. Her older sister did everything she could to help her but no one can do anything if a child believes they are not worthy.

Her sister used to say to me, “Ruby, I can feed her and I can give her her medicine. God knows, if I could. I would do her exercises and all the things she needs to do for her. But I can’t. I can’t live for her”. 

This is was the first time I fully recognised what life can be like in a home that is dysfunctional silently. All the players were in tact, mother, father, brothers, sisters but Sarah somehow did not belong. Her father loved her to bits but no one really parented her, she never got the one on one time that is so critical to establish that sense of self-belief and to foster the resilience you need to get through school, managing those girls who were horrible and figuring out what to do when you just don’t understand.

My aim had been for her daughters to be able to hear their mum’s voice so they could feel that she was not well and she was trying to get better. In the time she was in hospital her daughters had to be taken care of by her mother and her sister. They were being loved and there were other family and children around to make their transition easy but these two little girls were destined never to know their mother.

I pray that they live and they live their life as fully as they can.

Ruby Raja  —Domestic Violence Trainer

Meet the expert:

Ruby Raja authored Healing from Narcissistic Abuse - Journeys from Abuse to Freedom and designed Define Yourself! a program of empowerment for people experiencing abuse and trauma. She is a certified trauma facilitator/trainer with the BeyondTrauma Academy Network.

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